Parties, Parades, and Pain

Two years ago, my Mom was here.

His was not. His Mom was still using

drugs. My Mom was excited to

spend a birthday with her newest

grandchild.

Last week, as we celebrated P.'s

birthday, my heart was sad.

I missed my Mom.

There are some things that I can prepare myself

for: Easter, her birthday, Mother's Day.

I wasn't prepared for the pain

of missing my Mom on P.'s birthday.

I was so happy to share our little five year old's day with

both him and his mother.

How fun it was for him

to get to spend the day with his mom.

At the end of the day, we all sat down to

watch a video Jon had made of P.'s third birthday.

My Mom was in it. She was healthy, laughing, making

smart comments with Jon. I ached to

hold her, to hug her, to kiss her, to

be with her.

On Saturday we took the kids

to see their first St. Patrick's Day

parade.

What fun they had watching

the bagpipes and running after candy.

How fun it was to be together, all of us.

How much I wanted to tell my Mom about

our day, about our week, about the kids.

How much she would love seeing

how big all of the kids are getting.

She would love to hear about Doodles and what

a young lady she is becoming.

She would have loved to hear the Big K. as he

told P.,"We're brothers. We have to

stick together. That's what brothers do."

And she would have loved to see the baby dancing

to the Bagpipe music and then screaming

because he didn't get any candy.

I have had a hard week. My Dad's life is moving forward,

we are all leaving my Mom behind. I haven't wanted to.

I haven't wanted to lose what I had.

This morning, the Lord gently reminded me that

He holds the future. He carries not just my children, my husband,

and myself. He carries my Dad and my Dad's future.

I realized, if I could give my Mother to God,

I can surely give my Dad to God.

I can trust that God, the lover of all, the healer, protector,

father, and friend loves my Dad more than I ever can.

God will walk us all through this time.
God will heal the broken parts of my heart.

God has given me so very much to be thankful for.

Mickey Shirts

I remember exactly what I was wearing that day.

I remember exactly what I was doing that day

when the phone rang, and my life changed

forever. I was so excited to hear from my Mom.

We hadn't talked in a while, both of us busy.

She'd had an ultra sound, there were masses on her liver.

Ultra sounds aren't reliable they told her.

This one was. For the longest

time, I wouldn't

look at that sweatshirt, even though it was one of my favorites.

I couldn't bare to wear it.

Then one day, my sweet Big K. said,

"Mommy, will you wear your Mickey shirt. I'll wear mine, and

then we'll match."

How could I resist my little man.

Now, my Mickey shirt makes me think of my son. What a gift

he is, and how short the time is that he'll be small

and want to dress like his mother.

I look forward to the days when we wear our Mickey shirts.

Our Morning In Pictures (With A Few Words)

Water Play
Floam

Brothers

Math

Social Studies.

Gotta Love a Toddler

This morning, he spilled some milk on

the table.
His clean up solution, potholders.
This is what I saw when I turned around.
Gotta love a toddler.

Grief

This past week has been hard for me.

I am selfish.
I've been acting as if I'm the only one that's
lost. I hold a monopoly on the pain.
No one loved her more.
I'm wrong.
My father lost a best friend and lover of 38 years.
My brother lost his mother.
My children lost their grandmother.
My husband lost his mother-in-law.
My aunt lost a niece.
My grandmother lost her daughter.
We have all lost.
I've been selfish. I've been holding on to something
that I cannot change. I've been trying to go back
to before. I really liked before.
I never wanted my life to change. I really liked my life.
I wanted to watch my parents grow old. I wanted to
talk with my Mom about my kids and share with
her my life.
I have had to let that go. I'm watching my father's life
move forward. I am happy for him, sad for me,
happy for him.
I have watched my daughter grieve this week.
She's been giving me all sorts of pictures of
her and Oma. She's been working through her
grief. There has been nothing harder
than watching my children hurt. I've wanted to protect them
so much. I hate to see their tears, to hear their questions,
to feel their pain. I want to fix it for them, bring my Mom back,
take away their hurt. I think of my Father in Heaven.
How He must feel as He sees me hurt, us hurt.
How He must want so much to take the pain away.
There is a song by JJ Heller, it's one of my favorites.
It talks about God hating to see us cry. How one
day, He will make all things right.
I know He will.
I know that He walks with me and before me.
He holds our future in His hands. He carries our tears.
He is my Father, the healer.
His love is never ending. He holds me.
I am so thankful that He knows the words I cannot
speak. He heals my grief, our grief, and
gives us all the strength to move on.

Snow Day!

Finally, we got SNOW!
So beautiful!

I am so thankful for my sweet

husband.

He spent the morning shoveling us out.

I got to stay in the warm house

enjoying the beauty of the day!

Everyone Do the Dinosaur

Yesterday, the kids were paleontologists.

Just for the day.
We had a very fun time at the zoo learning
about dinosaurs.

The teacher, Brianne, did a great job getting

the kids interested and keeping them

busy as we studied dinosaurs.

One of the best parts about the zoo class

are the educational animals.

The kids get lots of hands on

experiences.

By far, the biggest thrill was the

baby alligator.

The kids got to pet him

and learn about him.

They also learned how parts

of him are like dinosaur parts.

After lots of animal fun, there was a table

activity. Everyone had their own cups of hardened

plaster. They chipped and dug and cut

away layers of dirt and plaster to

reveal a little surprise inside.

It was a very fun morning for all of us.

I wonder if the time inspired any future

plans for paleontology (the study of dinosaurs).