The Desires of My Heart

I often think of the verse

Psalm 37:4

"Delight yourself in the Lord

and He will give you the desires of your heart."

I am human, and I'm tempted to think of

what I don't have, but the Lord is faithful

and He reminds me of what I do have.

I love the stories of our children. I love how God

made them, protected them, and brought

each of them into our hearts and our family.

I love how God took something that could have been so

tragic and turned it into something so beautiful, in

the way that only He can.

My Lord is such a loving and merciful God.

As I watch my children play, as I listen

to them talk, as I hear their

laughter and see their smiles,

as I accept their hugs and kisses, I know one thing is true,

my children are the desires of my heart.

My Lord brought me each of them, and He has given

me the privilege of being their mother.

Friendly's

Hi Mom,

I miss you so much. I've been having such a

hard month. The grief literature tells me

that it's because I'm leaving the

shock phase of your death.

Lucky me. The grief is supposed to get

harder now. I didn't think it could get any harder,

but it is. This morning, I went to Friendly's

for the first time since you've died.

We sat at the table where we ate lunch with the kids right after we found out you were sick.

We had the same waitress that served us

all of the times that we'd been to

Friendly's together.

I couldn't help but stare at the table we

sat at the last time we ate at

Friendly's together. It was empty.

Mom, I miss you so much. Nothing is the same

without you. I want life

back the way that it was. I want you back.

Dad and I cry every time we're together.

We talk about you laugh and then cry.

It would be funny if it weren't so sad.

One day I know that I will be able to do

things without crying. One day I know that my

grief won't be this bad. One day I know that I will see you again.

I love you Pal. I miss you Pal.

I'd do anything to have you back Pal.

Trying to Take a Picture

While taking a walk the other morning,

I decided to try to take a picture of

all four of the kids together.

We found the perfect spot,

with the perfect log, and

I tried to get them all to smile at

the same time.

They were busy talking, moving,

arguing, and negotiating.

Finally, they were all settled, and then the dog
pulled her leash, my camera fell.
By the time I picked up my camera, the moment
when they were all looking and smiling at the
same time was gone. They
were far more interested on why the camera fell and if I could
fix it (I could).
Oh well, I'll try again another day or
hire some one to take the pictures for me.

Out To Dinner

Jon and I love going to a local
Vietnamese restaurant.

When we were dating, we

went there a lot.

Before we had kids, we went there a lot.

After kids, when we had a sitter, we'd go there a lot.

I used to eat there with my Mom.

Mom and I would go so often, that the owner would
ask me where "my friend" was if I went without
her. Jon and I always talked about taking the kids
to the restaurant.
The food is different than what they're used to,
but it is always really, really good.
This weekend, we took all four of the kids out for dinner at the
Vietnamese restaurant.
"They all yours?" the owner asked when we sat down.
How good it felt to say, "Yes they are all ours."

The kids loved the food. They ate and ate and ate.

The owner was super impressed that they enjoyed

her country's fare. The food was such a hit

that I do believe we'll be going there again-

with the kids.

An Afternoon

Today I did something hard. It was nice,

but it was hard.

I brought the boys' birth mother with us

to soccer.

I wasn't really sure if it was the right

thing to do, but it felt right.

I wasn't really sure how she'd be,

how the boys' would be,

how I would be.

They hadn't seen her since before Easter.

I hadn't seen her since court.

It was good to see her. It was good

to hug her.

Most importantly, it was good for the boys' to

see her. To know that she isn't just another

loss in their lives, that it's okay for them to

love her and us. When I took her home,

she looked at me and said,

"Thank You."

As hard as it was to bring her with us, to hear her

call me "Mommy Jennie" with the boys,

I knew, in those two small words, that spending the

afternoon with her was the right thing to do.

An Afternoon At The Farm

This week, we took a very fun trip

to a local farm.

This farm was special because

it's a "grass" farm.

The man that runs the farm leaves

all of his animals out in

pastures, so that they can

eat grass, dig for bugs,

and do what animals do.

He butchers his own animals

and sells the meat at local

farmers markers and in

a local food co-op.

The whole field trip was

very interesting.

The kids loved seeing the animals.

They loved trying to catch the chickens and

pet the pigs.

When they were out watching the

farmer move his cows

from one pasture to another, they

laughed when they heard the cows mooing.

All in all, it was a very fun afternoon.

Farmers really do a lot of work for our food.

I could never be a farmer,

and after petting the animals that we eat,

I'm not sure I'll ever be a meat eater again.

Helping Daddy

One of the Big K's favorite things

to do is help his Daddy mow the lawn.

He got his first chance at this when he

was four.

Now P. gets to mow the lawn too.

He loves it just as much.

The boys' favorite thing to do

is to help their Dad.

I'm so thankful that Jon is the type of Dad

that takes the time to let the

kids help him mow the lawn.

Going Potty Like A Big Boy

Using the toilet has become dangerous.

He's now wearing a helmet to

go poops on the toilet.

Hey, whatever works.

Mother's Day

Yesterday, I spent my day with the

four reasons that I am a

Mother.

I carried both joy and sorrow

in my heart.
I cried, held my father, held my
children, loved my
husband, and missed my Mom.
I am so thankful for my kids, my
husband, my friends, and my family.
I couldn't have gotten through yesterday without
all of the people that love me,
them, us.
I am so thankful that I am a
Mom.

Over The Gate

Today, I looked outside and this is what

I saw.

I asked them what they were looking at.

This. Their airplane went over the gate.

They were watching it. I'm not sure why.

Perhaps they were hoping it would fly back to them.

Perhaps they were worried that our

fifty-ish neighbor was going to run

off with it. Whatever the reason,

they made me laugh.

The Big K and Doodle Bug

This week, we bought a new lap top.

Last night, Jon spent the evening transferring our pictures from one

computer to another.

He found this picture. It's the first picture

we received of our children.

I can't believe that they were ever that small.

The last thing that I promised you, on the morning that you died, was that we would look out for Dad.

One of the last things that

you told me was how you

knew that the grandkids would

help get him through.

God must have known how much

he would need grandkids, because

He brought two more.

We're helping each other through

Mom, but

we all really miss you.

Neither of us are looking forward

to Mother's Day without you.

We're both talking about last

Mother's Day and the fun that

we had.

Tonight, Dad is having the sleep over

that you and he had planned

for the kids after they were adopted. We both wish you were there. We miss

you Mom, but we're getting through. One breath at a time, one moment at a time, one day at a time.

We're getting through, we're healing, we're helping each other.